Friday, December 9, 2011

Conversation with a Telephone Solicitor

©Linda Goodman 2011

            I recently read True Grit by Charles Portis.  I had seen both movies and was particularly taken with the 2010 version starring Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, and the amazing Hailee Steinfield.  The book was even better.  I cracked up at the outlaws, who emitted animal or bird noises as greetings. I thought I might like to try that myself some time.
            Yesterday I received two phone solicitations ON MY CELL PHONE!!!
            Today I got another one.
            “Hello!” a male voice greeted me. “This is John Doe calling from the Bank of (supply name). I want to tell you about our wonderful new credit card.”
            “Cock-a-doodle-do!” says I, channeling an ancient outlaw
            “You are right to crow!” replied John Doe. “This deal I am offering your will change the way you do business.
            “Gobble, gobble!” I responded
            “No, no!” John Doe protested. “My friend, this deal is no turkey.”
            I barked like a dog.
            “Now you have it!” Joe Doe gushed.  “This deal is so amazing you will become as loyal to us as your faithful dog is to you.”
            I was so impressed with John Doe’s quick-thinking, clever responses that I finally listened to his spiel.  I figured I owed him at least that much. 
            I told him I did not want another charge card.
            He howled like a heart-broken coyote baying at the moon.
            I hope he calls back.


  1. True story: My mom loved to get those kinds of calls. She'd say, "Mrs. Hicks? You want to talk to Mrs. Hicks? No. You don't want to talk to Mrs. Hicks. She's crazy!!!!" and then she would do an earsplitting cackle into the receiver.

    I like to think she brought a little ray of ... something other than drudgery into their work day.

  2. My dad used to tell them that he was already eating dogfood, but that if they wanted to trust him for payment they could send whatever they wanted.